With everything happening in the world today sometimes we need a joke or two just to remind ourselves that there is humour in the world. Lets use this Topic to share some of the best Jokes we have received lately.
Here is one I got today:-
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many
National Mental Health Days
Throughout the year.
You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.
My job is done!
Charter Member of a Canadian Minority... White, Male and in my 50's!!!!
Here is one to make you think:-
BEING GREEN......
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older
woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags
weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing'
back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did
not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the
store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and
refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really
were recycled.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for
numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use
of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure
that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not
defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on
the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and
office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a
300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway
kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning
up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our
early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters,
not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our
day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?),
not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended
and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do
everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we
used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble
wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut
the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by
working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a
plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens
with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a
razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got
dull.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service
in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before
the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire
bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.
And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from
satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger
joint.
But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks
were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in
conservation from a smartass young person...
Charter Member of a Canadian Minority... White, Male and in my 50's!!!!
LIKE!
Clay8ton I don't have a joke but rather a response since it is an interesting comment you made.
The boomer's created the wasteful society since it was on their watch that much of the waste you speak of came into existence.
Our economy is based on poor quality so we are forced to keep the whole economy afloat. Washers/refrigerators etc are made like crap so the parts cost as much as a new unit. The SUV price tag is thanks to a devalued dollar.
I remember as a kid getting paper bags and cutting eye holes out of them and drawing a face on it as well. MAKING mini-skateboards out of old hockey cards and hot wheels. Now you can buy them (kills ingenuity and imagination) Wasteful thinking has been brought to us by us thinking we need everything new. Your computer is old, your cell phone isn't cool anymore, your TV isn't 66", your clothes are out of style etc. Boomer's used to walk to school or ride a bike when they were young, but they were the first ones to drive their kids to school when it was only a block away. I know this cause my friends mom picked us up when their house was 9 doors down. Now my generation is even worse. I saw a lady literally do a U turn and park at her door which is across the street from the school. Life today is ridiculous but every generation blames the last, just like the old think the young are a bunch of A-holes and the young think the old are out of touch. I guess it is the way it is.
Your right Gravlore.. it is my generation that has created our "wastful society" and turned our back on what we learned as children. That is one of the reasons I got out of the city and back to a small community to have my garden, wood heat, hunting, fishing, and try to get back the ( healthier) life I left behind in Northern Ontario.. I Really Missed it!
Here is another e-mail I just got:-
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work! "
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him........"
Charter Member of a Canadian Minority... White, Male and in my 50's!!!!
Not getting much work done today BUT having fun... here is another:-
An Irish man is seeking to join the Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Al-qaeda extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?" Asks the Irish man
"I like your attitude!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Charter Member of a Canadian Minority... White, Male and in my 50's!!!!
Not getting much work done today BUT having fun... here is another:-
An Irish man is seeking to join the Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Al-qaeda extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?" Asks the Irish man
"I like your attitude!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆
One for all the Hunters in the Group:-
Shot my first Turkey yesterday...
Scared the Hell out of everyone in the frozen food section...
It was Awesome!
Damn... Getting old is so much fun!!!
Charter Member of a Canadian Minority... White, Male and in my 50's!!!!
Mayan sense of humour 🙂
Mayan sense of humour 🙂
Love It! 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆
Charter Member of a Canadian Minority... White, Male and in my 50's!!!!
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets
the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to Harper about the gun registry people
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that
she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Charter Member of a Canadian Minority... White, Male and in my 50's!!!!
NEW Wine for Seniors , I kid you not.....
Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be
marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
Charter Member of a Canadian Minority... White, Male and in my 50's!!!!
Read to the end, the best fact is the last one.
China has 19% of the world’s population, but consumes
53% of the world's cement
48% of the world's iron ore
47% of the world's coal
And the majority of just about every other major commodity.
In 2010, China produced 11 times more steel than the United States
New World Record: China made and sold 18 million vehicles in 2010.
There are more pigs in China than in the next 43 pork producing nations combined.
China has the world’s fastest train and the world’s largest high-speed rail network.
China is currently the number one producer in the world of wind and solar power.
But don’t use it themselves.
They manufacture 80% of the world’s solar panels,
They install less than 5% and build a new coal fired power station every week.
In 1 year they turn on more new coal powered electricity than Australia 's total output.
China currently controls more than 90% of the total global supply of rare earth elements.
In the past 15 years, China has moved from 14th place to 2nd place
in the world in published scientific research articles.
China possesses the fastest supercomputer on the entire globe.
At the end of March 2011, China accumulated US$3.04 trillion
in foreign currency reserves - the largest stockpile on the entire globe.( Thank You Walmart!!!)
Chinese consume 50,000 cigarettes every second …
They are already the largest carbon dioxide emitter
And their output will rise 70% by 2020 !
And the North American Governments are going to save the planet
……. by charging us a carbon tax.
REALLY ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓ ❓
Charter Member of a Canadian Minority... White, Male and in my 50's!!!!
LMAO.... the PRIME word in the last statement is TAX!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just another tax with propaganda to make the masses feel "good" about it. Sheep.
The true measure of this will not be in the "taxing"... but in the application of the new found income.
Dear Mr. Harper,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing Canada 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them 1 million dollars each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy $50 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
Also..
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $300.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Alberta years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the barn?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
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Charter Member of a Canadian Minority... White, Male and in my 50's!!!!